Christianity QA » Christian Religion » Sick of Life
Question:
I don’t know how I am going to write this posting, so I’ll just write it as it comes to my mind. Anyway, I don’t know how else to get rid of this feeling, other than to write it, somewhere. I don’t wanna be the only one reading it either. But as the subject says, I’m sick of life. My life is made up of… well, I dunno how to describe it. All I know is that its bullshit. At first glimpse, I may appear as just a regular 18 year old guy, but I’m anything but that. I’m not "regular" by any means. I don’t know what it is about me, but I think I’ve been fucked up by whatever… perhaps the way I was brought up. My parents, for one reason or another, have wanted to control everything I do. I can’t ever live an everyday life without them getting in my face about something. You see, I’m 18 now, an ADULT, and they still put curfews on me… How fucked up is that? What do they think I’m gonna do? Go out and do drugs all night? I would have thought they would have known I wasn’t like that. Of course, they also like to bitch about my friends too… well, actually, I don’t even know if I have any friends. Being the loser I am, I don’t see how I could. Or do I? See, I just simply don’t know. What is a friend, anyhow? I can’t tell if a particular person is my friend or if he/she is just pretending to be. I wish I knew… But I do know that I have been a loser at school. I dunno if I was meant to be that way or not. But the way school is, I’m getting ready to graduate from this stupid ass private high school that I had no fucking desire to attend. Why am I going there? Not because I want to, but because my parents wanted me to. They, for some reason think that this Catholic school is giving me a better education, and I know that they’re full of shit. All that the school does is put me under more strict control. They have these dress codes. They require you to "learn" the Christian religion and give you all that "you’re going to hell" bullshit. I’m sick of that crap being shoved down my throat. But the worst part of it is that there aren’t any girls. That’s right, its an all guys school. So now everyone thinks I’m gay when I say I’m a student there. Could I do anything about it? No… I tried to get kicked out of the school once, but the attempt failed. And then my parents made all these threats against me telling me that they weren’t going to pay for my college, and whatever else they could do to hurt me, as if they haven’t already hurt me enough already. There’s no sense in going to a school like that when you can go to a public school for free and get the same education without any of that religious bullshit. Most of the guys at the school are bunch of rich snobs. I tried being a friend to many of them, but they’re the most unfriendly crowd out there. I don’t fit in with them. Every day at school I just sit by myself alone, at lunch, in the hall, or wherever. Everyone tries to avoid me. I don’t have anyone to socialize with, as much as I wish I did. If I could kill every one of those fucks, I would. I didn’t always think that religion was bullshit, but now I do. I’m not gonna go into details as to why, but now that I’ve been at a Catholic school for a long time, I know what it is, and I know that I don’t want a damn thing to do with it, Catholic or whatever religion. All it has ever been to me is a nuisance. Heck, at least I’m going to a PUBLIC university next year without any of that… That is, assuming that I’m still alive then. I’ve never dated before. Do I want to? Very much so. And the fact that I never have makes me sick. But since I’ve been in an all male school for so long, I have no skills when it comes to being a man that a woman can admire. There’s not one woman out there who would like me anyway, not with me being the loser that I am. Its been a sore subject with me, and until I actually go on that first date, IF I go on that first date, it will continue to be that way because I’ll never be able to say that I’ve dated before. Hell, every other 18 year old I know is dating, or has before. And when I try talking to my parents about my problems, they don’t give a damn. They respond with, "I don’t wanna hear it." or "Quit complaining," or "I can’t do anything to help you, sorry." Now, if you got done reading all this, it may sound more like bitching than depression. But whether you see it or not, it IS depression. Everything that I have written above is the reason why I feel that my life is not worth living. All this bullshit is eating me alive. If this crap wants to eat me up, at least let me be dead when it does. I just want to take a shotgun and blow my fucking head off. What more can I say? Paul, Age 18 1982 – 2001?? Denver, Colorado
Response:
Hi Paul. I don’t know how I am going to write this posting, so I’ll just write it as it comes to my mind.
You did great, expressed your feelings perfectly clear. My parents, for one reason or another, have wanted to control everything I do. I can’t ever live an everyday life without them getting in my face about something. You see, I’m 18 now, an ADULT, and they still put curfews on me… How fucked up is that?
Well Paul, do you live under their roof by any chance? graduate from this stupid ass private high school that I had no fucking desire to attend. Why am I going there? Not because I want to, but because my parents wanted me to. They, for some reason think that this Catholic school is giving me a better education
Well, possibly because Catholic schools have been proven by research to give children a better education. (Before any flames me, I’m not catholic, I have gone to public schools, just got done doing research papers on it) All that the school does is put me under more strict control. They have these dress codes.
Well since you havea admitted you are an adult, you must also realize that out there in the big bad cruel world, most work places also have dress codes. Everyone tries to avoid me. I don’t have anyone to socialize with, as much as I wish I did.
Maybe you are going about it the wrong way. Have you talked to a counselor at school about this? If I could kill every one of those fucks, I would.
I sincerely hope you don’t mean this. With a Zero tolerance policies at most schools, I would be very careful about this threat. I know *I* take it seriously. But whether you see it or not, it IS depression. I also take depression seriously. I believe you when you say you are having a problem with depression. Depression can be treated. What have you don about getting treated for it? I just want to take a shotgun and blow my fucking head off. What more can I say?
You can say that you want to feel differently, but you already said this. I don’t really think you want to take a shot gun to yourself, I think you want to feel better about yourself. How can you do that? It’s not that easy. It takes work, but it’s worth it in the long run. The first thing you have to do is confide in someone, a parent, a relative, a school counselor, teacher, or social worker. OR, you can go see your family doctor. You just really need to talk to someone and get help for this. I remember how hard this was for me to realize when I was your age concerning my parents. I was a rebel, thought they did things just to make my life miserable, but they only did these things to help me, to improve my life, to keep me out of trouble, etc. In the meantime, you need someone to talk to. It’s great you find this place to vent some of this, but we are also limited. I suggest ASD AND a doctor or therapist. What do you think? Mary Beth posted and emailed
Response:
Paul, I dig your post. I’d be your friend any time man. I have tons of problems and regrets about high school and my family, and to make a long story short, I don’t have any friends and my family has fallen apart. It’s a tough place to be at any age. My my father died in ‘94 when I was 17, that was it for my family. No life insurance, mother in total depression, me in total depression, no friends at high school, just a complete and utter wreck. And I still am today. I don’t know the answer that will make things all right. I’ve been looking for a long time myself. I missed a ton of opportunities and many times had no one to sit with at lunch, and it drove me CRAZY. I had no one to sit with at lunch in college, so I never ate, then basically dropped out. So it effects EVERYTHING. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel like killing myself, the pain runs so deep and i’m so messed up. Probably to the point of no return, but yet again, i’ll press on… working out, doing taebo, finding a new job… it’s a vicious cycle and as i close in 30, I dont’ want to be where i am now, but hey, i said that about 25. In short, I have no answers, but would definitely hang out and eat lunch with you. There, now there are two of us, not just one. Lou
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