Christianity QA

Question:

nomine) writes: i used to be a deeply religious person. i used to believe strongly in the christian god and in his/her ways. even during the worst off the abuse, i hung in there, hoping that god would see fit to deliver me from the hell i was living in. never happened.

Hi llama, I could feel your anger and anquish.  I wish I could give to you my experiences in order to help you understand in the way I do. I can’t even if you want or would let me. (PS, please see my disclaimer at the end..) i remember, in 1981, trying to tell my high-school guidance counselor what was happening in my home. she told me i needed to pray more and be a better kid.

I don’t see the counselor’s reaction as God’s fault.  Except if you hold God accountable for not making perfect robotic people. i remember, in 1982 at baylor university, when my world was falling apart and i was beginning my struggle with depression, being told, "we can’t do anything for you here. why don’t you just go off and get well and then we’ll take you back?"

Again I’m sorry that you see that as God’s fault. i remember trying desperately to believe, to attain a state of grace, to find usefulness in my faith, and i remember how many times i was pounded into the dirt by one bad thing after another after another happening.

I’ll suggest what worked for me.  I was told to read the book of John and the book of Job.  Try it you may find a few piece which will help you in your recovery . any religion in my life would have to explain to me why all this happened. it would have to make clear why i hurt, why i suffer, why i ended up being beaten and tortured. none ever has. there’s no explanation that makes sense, no explanation that allows for an omniscient, omnibenevolent, omnipotent god.

For me the answer lies within the book of Job.  I still read Job over and over and learn more each time. my healing is going to have to come from within.

Perhaps but God can work miracles you and I can only imagine. Peter B… My more or less standard warning… **  spoiler for those upset with the standard peter b warning *** To newcomers whom I post, I warn of my past.  8 yrs ago, I was arrested for sexual molestation of my oldest adopted daughter.  I’ve been through, in and around therapy of all sorts.  What I did was wrong.  I hold myself fully accountable for my actions.  I explain this to all the newcomers, I post to, so they aren’t squicked later when they learn of my past.  I understand if I upset you.  I hope you will try not to judge me by what others say about me but how I post and act within AAR.  I prefer not to use e-mail with survivors until many months have passed and it’s ok with the survivor.  If you do not want me to post to you or about you within AAR, if you tell me it’ll be no problem. (Not as an excuse but in case you are wondering, I was sexually abused as a child.  The abuse I endured as a child does not justify my actions as an adult.) Having an offender with AAR may come as a shock to you.  This knowledge may anger you.  You may even need to address your anger at me.  I understand.  You will not be the first to flame me and probably not the last.  Hopefully you will come to understand that anger at me has almost become a right of passage within AAR.   You also may find yourself curious about an offender.  I am willing to answer any questions you have of me.  I may ask you questions. It’s ok to not answer or to ignore my questions or me.  If you are uncomfortable with anything I ask, please feel no obligation to respond.  Take care of yourself first.  Or if you are concerned, it’s ok to ask me why I asked what I’ve asked.

Response:

[before i respond, i want to explain that i felt very stepped on by both followups i'm answering. i was explaining how something felt to me and how i've found other ways to get my spiritual needs met. i don't know if i expected any responses or not, but i didn't expect sermons. i'm trying very very hard not to flame anyone, but i feel disregarded and angry and i wanted to say that]

: Yes, healing does come from within.  But remember where that : within might be getting the spiritual strength to keep going. for me, it comes from knowing my strengths, learning to value myself as a person, and working toward forgiving my parents. it comes from an inner strength i’ve built over yearszs of struggle against abuse and against self-hatred. : I know exactly what you are speaking about.  For myself I : came to the conclusion, right or wrong, that most people : truly cannot handle abuse stories.  They still want to sweep : the dirt under a carpet and forget about it.  Well, it won’t : go away. this has nothing to do with my feelings. those ar eyour feelings. my feelings are that i made some people uncomfortable and they looked at the god crutch as a way to keep from dealing with what they were hearing. my guidance counselor’s actions were reprehensible and quite p[ossibly illegal. : The hate and anger I had toward being "deserted" by God was : more than I could take at times.   i am not angry at god for deserting me. i am angry at a religious system that tries to convince me that god is all-powerful, all-good, and all-knowing while ignoring the fact that my experiences contradict that. : were neat and fast.  My brother died in a bathtub; he bled : to death.  That for me was too messy. my brother died as a result of physical abuse he received from my father and stepmohter. they didn't bother to show at the funeral. : picked up a short booklet about The Love Of God.  I came : to understand that forgiveness was not denial of events, : pain, anger, hate, but rather learning that God did love : me more than anything a person could do to me.  I started : to read prayers specifically for healing abuse. The prayers : were not vague.  I had nothing to lose. that's your understanding of forgiveness. mine is that forgiveness is a gift i choose to give myself, a letting go of the past. prayers have not helped me -- they do not fit into my worldview. you are completely ignoring that i stated i used to be very religious, or you are implying that i was doing it worng. i don't like either implication. : I am Christian and I will say that.  Maybe there is no value : other than being able to share this with you.  What I do know : is how I felt and how I feel now.   your way is not my way. by explaining to me how it is, you're denying my ability to find my own way. : Every life is worth fighting for. i do believe that. : Psalm 27 of David is extremely important for me. I have it : framed on my wall. It is from the Geneva Bible. I bought it : as a donation for starving children in Russia. i prefer psalm 13. and you should be careful about buying things form charities, christian and otherwise -- they often scam people. -- sine |deb references to that available on request.

Response:

[before i respond, i want to explain that i felt very stepped on by both followups i'm answering. i was explaining how something felt to me and how i've found other ways to get my spiritual needs met. i don't know if i expected any responses or not, but i didn't expect sermons. i'm trying very very hard not to flame anyone, but i feel disregarded and angry and i wanted to say that] : Yes, healing does come from within.  But remember where that : within might be getting the spiritual strength to keep going. for me, it comes from knowing my strengths, learning to value myself as a person, and working toward forgiving my parents. it comes from an inner strength i’ve built over yearszs of struggle against abuse and against self-hatred. : I know exactly what you are speaking about.  For myself I : came to the conclusion, right or wrong, that most people : truly cannot handle abuse stories.  They still want to sweep : the dirt under a carpet and forget about it.  Well, it won’t : go away. this has nothing to do with my feelings. those ar eyour feelings. my feelings are that i made some people uncomfortable and they looked at the god crutch as a way to keep from dealing with what they were hearing. my guidance counselor’s actions were reprehensible and quite p[ossibly illegal. : The hate and anger I had toward being "deserted" by God was : more than I could take at times.   i am not angry at god for deserting me. i am angry at a religious system that tries to convince me that god is all-powerful, all-good, and all-knowing while ignoring the fact that my experiences contradict that. : were neat and fast.  My brother died in a bathtub; he bled : to death.  That for me was too messy. my brother died as a result of physical abuse he received from my father and stepmohter. they didn’t bother to show at the funeral. : picked up a short booklet about The Love Of God.  I came : to understand that forgiveness was not denial of events, : pain, anger, hate, but rather learning that God did love : me more than anything a person could do to me.  I started : to read prayers specifically for healing abuse. The prayers : were not vague.  I had nothing to lose. that’s your understanding of forgiveness. mine is that forgiveness is a gift i choose to give myself, a letting go of the past. prayers have not helped me — they do not fit into my worldview. you are completely ignoring that i stated i used to be very religious, or you are implying that i was doing it worng. i don’t like either implication. : I am Christian and I will say that.  Maybe there is no value : other than being able to share this with you.  What I do know : is how I felt and how I feel now.   your way is not my way. by explaining to me how it is, you’re denying my ability to find my own way. : Every life is worth fighting for. i do believe that. : Psalm 27 of David is extremely important for me. I have it : framed on my wall. It is from the Geneva Bible. I bought it : as a donation for starving children in Russia. i prefer psalm 13. and you should be careful about buying things form charities, christian and otherwise — they often scam people. — sine |deb references to that available on request.

Response:

scanning the group tonight, i saw a lot of religious/christian stuff, and it reminded me of why that stuff has never worked for me. i used to be a deeply religious person. i used to believe strongly in the christian god and in his/her ways. even during the worst off the abuse, i hung in there, hoping that god would see fit to deliver me from the hell i was living in. never happened. i remember, in 1981, trying to tell my high-school guidance counselor what was happening in my home. she told me i needed to pray more and be a better kid. i remember, in 1982 at baylor university, when my world was falling apart and i was beginning my struggle with depression, being told, "we can’t do anything for you here. why don’t you just go off and get well and then we’ll take you back?" i remember trying desperately to believe, to attain a state of grace, to find usefulness in my faith, and i remember how many times i was pounded into the dirt by one bad thing after another after another happening. any religion in my life would have to explain to me why all this happened. it would have to make clear why i hurt, why i suffer, why i ended up being beaten and tortured. none ever has. there’s no explanation that makes sense, no explanation that allows for an omniscient, omnibenevolent, omnipotent god. my healing is going to have to come from within. — sine | deb self-injury faq-sort-of-thing http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html Yes, healing does come from within.  But remember where that within might be getting the spiritual strength to keep going. I know exactly what you are speaking about.  For myself I came to the conclusion, right or wrong, that most people truly cannot handle abuse stories.  They still want to sweep the dirt under a carpet and forget about it.  Well, it won’t go away. The hate and anger I had toward being "deserted" by God was more than I could take at times.  I was at the bottom of the depths of despair and self-hatred. I did not want to live and kept busy much of my time researching ways to die that were neat and fast.  My brother died in a bathtub; he bled to death.  That for me was too messy. The strange part was I wanted to live, just not feeling the same way.  I felt peaceful when I decided I wanted to die. There was nothing left to fight. So at this same time I picked up a short booklet about The Love Of God.  I came to understand that forgiveness was not denial of events, pain, anger, hate, but rather learning that God did love me more than anything a person could do to me.  I started to read prayers specifically for healing abuse. The prayers were not vague.  I had nothing to lose. I started sleeping better, having more stretches of days without terrors, panic attacks, nightmares, etc.  Now I am Christian and I will say that.  Maybe there is no value other than being able to share this with you.  What I do know is how I felt and how I feel now.   Every life is worth fighting for. Psalm 27 of David is extremely important for me. I have it framed on my wall. It is from the Geneva Bible. I bought it as a donation for starving children in Russia. ~~~

Response:

scanning the group tonight, i saw a lot of religious/christian stuff, and it reminded me of why that stuff has never worked for me. i used to be a deeply religious person. i used to believe strongly in the christian god and in his/her ways. even during the worst off the abuse, i hung in there, hoping that god would see fit to deliver me from the hell i was living in. never happened. i remember, in 1981, trying to tell my high-school guidance counselor what was happening in my home. she told me i needed to pray more and be a better kid. i remember, in 1982 at baylor university, when my world was falling apart and i was beginning my struggle with depression, being told, "we can’t do anything for you here. why don’t you just go off and get well and then we’ll take you back?" i remember trying desperately to believe, to attain a state of grace, to find usefulness in my faith, and i remember how many times i was pounded into the dirt by one bad thing after another after another happening. any religion in my life would have to explain to me why all this happened. it would have to make clear why i hurt, why i suffer, why i ended up being beaten and tortured. none ever has. there’s no explanation that makes sense, no explanation that allows for an omniscient, omnibenevolent, omnipotent god. my healing is going to have to come from within. — sine | deb self-injury faq-sort-of-thing http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

Response:

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