Christianity QA » Christian Church » Silver Wedding in six months and I feel like throwing in the towel
Question:
"Gif Saavy" <g_sa…@hotmail.com> wrote… > Oh, and it’s www.altsupportdivorce.org not com. Sorry Roger.
Thanks for the catch! [R]
Response:
In article <v2bgh0926ke4h2fdjn59qrvna8jno1f…@4ax.com>, MyOwnDopplegan…@comcast.net says… >Marriage counseling…. try that first… THEN contemplate the big "D" >if that fails… 25 years is a f* of a lot to throw away. Take it >from someone who threw away a 15 yr relationship then landed in hell >with their 2nd S2BX.
I got divorced after 27 years.
Response:
This is a random rant from a stranger. I have not spent much time on this group and if you search you’ll read about my drug history and political views. I have a Silver Wedding next march and am confused, angry and exhausted. A key issue of our marriage is my repeated return to various addictions that make my narcissism quite evident. I want to explain how much I love my wife and yet many might tune out as soon as I qualify as and addict. Fact is I am full of contradictions and you can make whatever assumptions you want. Meanwhile I am trying to measure what sort of a sole mate, or not, and whether I’ve blown it, or just repeated cyclical relationship dynamics again. She has no reason to trust me. We have been a couple for 24.5 years. We are both gainfully employed professionals, she in Law, me an Engineer. The kids are 19 – 23 years. We both started our marriage with next to nothing and have built up a net worth of over $1M. I am active in a Christian church and on occasion she attends with me. We share many passions, music, art, history. We have not made love in over a year. Before that it was infrequent. The kids were young and we were both working, then the kids were older and we made a commitment to get her through Law School. Then there was a year of illness leading to surgery 18 months ago. I have waited; patiently for a time to be a couple again and it becomes increasingly evident she’s not into it. I have been impotent on occasion and my occasional inability to perform is interpreted as an interpretation of her, rather than a health issue for me. I continue to offer physical affection, it just never leads anywhere. I am involved in remodeling our home, we just married off our oldest son in a big wedding, I work hard, I listen, I shop, I cook, I pray. I also don’t use drugs anymore and have done everything I can to gain some respect or trust. She’s like a bomb with a hair trigger and when she goes off she cuts deeply and ruthlessly with her words. I hold my tongue and only get upset to defend my relationship with our kids and to defend myself. I trust that she believes most of what she says. She is driven and when she gets on her campaigns, whether it’s a friend she no longer likes or her ideas as to how we spend money, I pass. The battles are to exhausting and I loose. So as I approach my "Silver Wedding" I still adore her. I mind her sexy and appealing. I respect her integrity and trust her. I can talk about things with her that no one else finds interesting. She’s a great companion, but I want a wife, and a home. She blames me for the sexual issues while me though I was just being patient, gentle, and respectful. Last night she suggested I sleep in our son’s old room from now on. I stated that I enjoyed sleeping with her and her comment walking away and out of the room is why, that was okay when we did something. I don’t care about the money or the stuff. I make enough to rebuild and start over. I attempted to get out of her way once before by moving out and initiating a legal separation. She initiated a self distrust that was frightening for all of us that love her. I came back and we pieced things together again, but I don’t know if I was rescuing or possibly even defending myself from the lethal attack she was putting together. I am willing to walk away from all of our assets as long as I can keep my income, my cars, my van, my tools, my books, family heirlooms and my retirement. She makes about 25% more than I do and has more in the bank. If I leave I just want to walk away and be done with it. The stuff has always been more important to her. Thanks to anyone who’s still reading. This is my circumstance and I’m just posting in order to vent and to ask for help. Please answer; I need links to any resources that may help me simplify the technical side of this. As for home and marriage, I have arrived at a place where I’m walking on eggshells at home and neither trust or am trusted by my best friend. HELP
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -ijustdontgetit wrote: > This is a random rant from a stranger. I have not spent much time on > this group and if you search you’ll read about my drug history and > political views. > I have a Silver Wedding next march and am confused, angry and > exhausted. A key issue of our marriage is my repeated return to > various addictions that make my narcissism quite evident. I want to > explain how much I love my wife and yet many might tune out as soon as > I qualify as and addict. Fact is I am full of contradictions and you > can make whatever assumptions you want. Meanwhile I am trying to > measure what sort of a sole mate, or not, and whether I’ve blown it, > or just repeated cyclical relationship dynamics again. > She has no reason to trust me. We have been a couple for 24.5 years. > We are both gainfully employed professionals, she in Law, me an > Engineer. The kids are 19 – 23 years. We both started our marriage > with next to nothing and have built up a net worth of over $1M. I am > active in a Christian church and on occasion she attends with me. We > share many passions, music, art, history. > We have not made love in over a year. Before that it was infrequent. > The kids were young and we were both working, then the kids were older > and we made a commitment to get her through Law School. Then there > was a year of illness leading to surgery 18 months ago. I have > waited; patiently for a time to be a couple again and it becomes > increasingly evident she’s not into it. I have been impotent on > occasion and my occasional inability to perform is interpreted as an > interpretation of her, rather than a health issue for me. I continue > to offer physical affection, it just never leads anywhere. > I am involved in remodeling our home, we just married off our oldest > son in a big wedding, I work hard, I listen, I shop, I cook, I pray. > I also don’t use drugs anymore and have done everything I can to gain > some respect or trust. She’s like a bomb with a hair trigger and when > she goes off she cuts deeply and ruthlessly with her words. I hold my > tongue and only get upset to defend my relationship with our kids and > to defend myself. I trust that she believes most of what she says. > She is driven and when she gets on her campaigns, whether it’s a > friend she no longer likes or her ideas as to how we spend money, I > pass. The battles are to exhausting and I loose. > So as I approach my "Silver Wedding" I still adore her. I mind her > sexy and appealing. I respect her integrity and trust her. I can > talk about things with her that no one else finds interesting. She’s > a great companion, but I want a wife, and a home. She blames me for > the sexual issues while me though I was just being patient, gentle, > and respectful. Last night she suggested I sleep in our son’s old > room from now on. I stated that I enjoyed sleeping with her and her > comment walking away and out of the room is why, that was okay when we > did something. > I don’t care about the money or the stuff. I make enough to rebuild > and start over. I attempted to get out of her way once before by > moving out and initiating a legal separation. She initiated a self > distrust that was frightening for all of us that love her. I came > back and we pieced things together again, but I don’t know if I was > rescuing or possibly even defending myself from the lethal attack she > was putting together. > I am willing to walk away from all of our assets as long as I can keep > my income, my cars, my van, my tools, my books, family heirlooms and > my retirement. She makes about 25% more than I do and has more in the > bank. If I leave I just want to walk away and be done with it. The > stuff has always been more important to her. > Thanks to anyone who’s still reading. This is my circumstance and I’m > just posting in order to vent and to ask for help. Please answer; I > need links to any resources that may help me simplify the technical > side of this. > As for home and marriage, I have arrived at a place where I’m walking > on eggshells at home and neither trust or am trusted by my best > friend. > HELP
Firstly, forgive yourself. Secondly, the two of you sound a bit like my wife and myself, only a lot worse. I was a mediocre provider, and my health crashed. My wife started saying that I hadn’t lived up to my warranty, and she wished she could send me back. We are making a go of it, now. Your wife is still around, so she hasn’t given up on you. You still love her. She may have developed an attitude of hurt as mine did. That is a habit. It didn’t come on in a day, and it takes time to "unlearn." At our first counseling interview (the guy I dumped, for other readers) we were given some homework, to think what we both wanted out of the marriage. Every time we sat down to do it, my wife couldn’t, because of her built-up hurt. I arranged for her to have her own time alone with the counselor, to talk these feelings out. Then she was ready to start rebuilding. I am strongly in favour of saving *any* marriage if possible, and of counseling as part of the plan. We are here in this world for each other. Doug. — ICQ Number 178748389. Registered Linux User No. 277548. He who says that a thing cannot be done is likely to be interrupted by the person doing it. – Chinese proverb.
Response:
ijustdontge…@earthlink.net (ijustdontgetit) wrote in message <news:ae42454e.0408090830.71b4b5cf@posting.google.com>…
<snip> > HELP
Do you like Pina Colada’s? And getting caught in the rain? All kidding aside, I would suggest you try and find something to keep you together. Maybe pretend you are dating again. I don’t have all the answers, but if it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t. You are getting advice on how to stay together from a divorced man.. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. It’s not going to be easy either way, and if you aren’t committed, then just throw in the towel now and save everyone involved some time. Oh, and it’s www.altsupportdivorce.org not com. Sorry Roger. Gif
Response:
"ijustdontgetit" <ijustdontge…@earthlink.net> wrote… > <anip> Thanks to anyone who’s still reading. This is my circumstance > and I’m just posting in order to vent and to ask for help. Please answer; > I need links to any resources that may help me simplify the technical > side of this. > As for home and marriage, I have arrived at a place where I’m walking > on eggshells at home and neither trust or am trusted by my best > friend. HELP.
Two ideas: 1. Check out www.altsupportdivorce.com where there are links to resources. 2. If you can’t hack it in this marriage, then get out. See a lawyer and develop an escape plan. [R]
Response:
Marriage counseling…. try that first… THEN contemplate the big "D" if that fails… 25 years is a f* of a lot to throw away. Take it from someone who threw away a 15 yr relationship then landed in hell with their 2nd S2BX. On 9 Aug 2004 09:30:32 -0700, ijustdontge…@earthlink.net – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -(ijustdontgetit) wrote: >This is a random rant from a stranger. I have not spent much time on >this group and if you search you’ll read about my drug history and >political views. >I have a Silver Wedding next march and am confused, angry and >exhausted. A key issue of our marriage is my repeated return to >various addictions that make my narcissism quite evident. I want to >explain how much I love my wife and yet many might tune out as soon as >I qualify as and addict. Fact is I am full of contradictions and you >can make whatever assumptions you want. Meanwhile I am trying to >measure what sort of a sole mate, or not, and whether I’ve blown it, >or just repeated cyclical relationship dynamics again. >She has no reason to trust me. We have been a couple for 24.5 years. >We are both gainfully employed professionals, she in Law, me an >Engineer. The kids are 19 – 23 years. We both started our marriage >with next to nothing and have built up a net worth of over $1M. I am >active in a Christian church and on occasion she attends with me. We >share many passions, music, art, history. >We have not made love in over a year. Before that it was infrequent. >The kids were young and we were both working, then the kids were older >and we made a commitment to get her through Law School. Then there >was a year of illness leading to surgery 18 months ago. I have >waited; patiently for a time to be a couple again and it becomes >increasingly evident she’s not into it. I have been impotent on >occasion and my occasional inability to perform is interpreted as an >interpretation of her, rather than a health issue for me. I continue >to offer physical affection, it just never leads anywhere. >I am involved in remodeling our home, we just married off our oldest >son in a big wedding, I work hard, I listen, I shop, I cook, I pray. >I also don’t use drugs anymore and have done everything I can to gain >some respect or trust. She’s like a bomb with a hair trigger and when >she goes off she cuts deeply and ruthlessly with her words. I hold my >tongue and only get upset to defend my relationship with our kids and >to defend myself. I trust that she believes most of what she says. >She is driven and when she gets on her campaigns, whether it’s a >friend she no longer likes or her ideas as to how we spend money, I >pass. The battles are to exhausting and I loose. >So as I approach my "Silver Wedding" I still adore her. I mind her >sexy and appealing. I respect her integrity and trust her. I can >talk about things with her that no one else finds interesting. She’s >a great companion, but I want a wife, and a home. She blames me for >the sexual issues while me though I was just being patient, gentle, >and respectful. Last night she suggested I sleep in our son’s old >room from now on. I stated that I enjoyed sleeping with her and her >comment walking away and out of the room is why, that was okay when we >did something. >I don’t care about the money or the stuff. I make enough to rebuild >and start over. I attempted to get out of her way once before by >moving out and initiating a legal separation. She initiated a self >distrust that was frightening for all of us that love her. I came >back and we pieced things together again, but I don’t know if I was >rescuing or possibly even defending myself from the lethal attack she >was putting together. >I am willing to walk away from all of our assets as long as I can keep >my income, my cars, my van, my tools, my books, family heirlooms and >my retirement. She makes about 25% more than I do and has more in the >bank. If I leave I just want to walk away and be done with it. The >stuff has always been more important to her. >Thanks to anyone who’s still reading. This is my circumstance and I’m >just posting in order to vent and to ask for help. Please answer; I >need links to any resources that may help me simplify the technical >side of this. >As for home and marriage, I have arrived at a place where I’m walking >on eggshells at home and neither trust or am trusted by my best >friend. >HELP
——– In a cold world you need your friends to keep you warm.
no comment untill now